from the ashes
by sharpestsatire
Summary: Ben Solo was adrift when they find him. Perhaps there was a hidden First Order base nearby or perhaps they had simply left him adrift far from civilization so there'd be no chance of anyone finding him. Either way, he was in a nameless patch of the galaxy, in a ship big enough that it could not be flown easily without a small crew. He was alone.
1. soul-weary

**This takes place, eh, ten hours after the end of TLJ when Rey and everyone escapes and Ben is left on Crait. It's been a rough few… days? It's been a rough time for Rey, considering how much of the rebellion is left. (Only those who can fit on the Millennium Falcon. :-/)**

* * *

Rey was tired.

After so much anger and so much grief, and still more when she found out how much they had lost, Rey was… a tired that can only be described as soul-weary.

They were on the run (again) and she had found a small, tiny, out of the way room on the Millennium Falcon. It barely had room for her. She doubted anyone else would think of it as a room.

The cot was too soft, too suffocating, so she was curled on the floor with her back pressed to the wall, the darkness around her soothing in its silence.

Luke was gone. Her last chance at receiving true training, true answers, at not being alone in the world as a Force wielder of Light — gone. Her last chance had swept in and saved the day and was now _gone_. And all she had to show for it was a new knowledge of the Dark Side that pulled at her gently.

Part of her anger at Kylo Ren, she knew now, had been a hidden panic that _maybe_ she was just as potentially Dark as him. Maybe Kylo Ren, at one time, had been exactly as she was now.

You didn't become a monster overnight.

Rey breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly, trying loosen tense muscles. Trying to find peace.

The rebels left fit on the Millennium Falcon. All of them could _fit_ on the Millennium Falcon. The day had been unforgiving. The last true hope of the rebellion had died to let them escape.

She curled tighter into a ball on the floor.

She felt swept of emotion. And so she closed her eyes to the wide emptiness of it all.

Time passed. In the darkness, she didn't know or care how much had passed. But at some point, she felt it like a hum under her skin, an awareness tingling in her mind.

"Please," was all she managed.

 _Please, I can't do this right now_.

There was nothing she could _do_. Even now. They escaped, but for all intents and purposes, they had lost —

The room was small, yet somehow he sat on the floor with her. She was so _aware_ of him there. He wasn't touching her in any way, but his presence filled the air around her, comforting and _she wasn't alone_.

This was a kinship she didn't want, but couldn't survive without.

He said nothing, knowing her better than anyone had bothered to in the past. He said not a word. He did not gloat or laugh. He sat in silent vigil.

Rey drifted off into an anguished sleep, finding solace in the touch stroking her hair. She would never admit to just how grounding that touch was that night.

* * *

 **Before going further, this story wouldn't be here without the following tumblr users:**

forcebondedreylo— for listening to me when I said I was writing a fic and being supportive and chill and having random "writing is so hard" conversations. :)

lokitapendragon— she listened to me complain about writing while I was writing and was supportive. There's a specific Force ghost cameo just for her here. It also happened to make more sense that _that_ Force ghost is the one to appear, but hey. Worked out for her. ;)

brambleberrycottage— she freaking _read_ this mess of a story before anyone else saw it. Also, I wanted to write a fic, but got stumped with what I wanted them to address when Rey and Ben finally talked. She went off on how such and such wasn't addressed and I was like, "… I can try and address that!" In general, she made this fic happen. And made the characters in character. And put up with my love affair with commas. And, again, read this story before it was what you see here. She's amazing.

 **Let me know what you think! This is a short, five chapter thing.**

 **~SS**


	2. complicated

**The chapters get progressively longer, I think. But look! A wild Kylo Ren appears!**

* * *

A scant week later and it was another planet, another base and, somehow, another _discovery_ of their base.

Rey was screaming mad, grief banked by anger, a fury as she charges Kylo — Ben — _Kylo_ with a blazing lightsaber and, no, not righteous anger, but something far more potent.

"Why are you _doing_ this?" she screamed and literal sparks flew as the sabers clash. He pushed her back easily, not with the Force, but because he had let her rage push her off balance and cloud her thinking. She didn't understand and it _hurt_.

He said nothing in response, but the bond flared with a tired hurt and weariness that she felt echo in her soul. Because here they are again, on opposite sides —

Rey hurled herself at him with a swinging arc meant to take his legs out. He blocked it easily, stepping to the side. She brought up her lightsaber, because she _knew_ he was going to sweep at her head, just as she knew he knew (even as her thought formed) that she'd try for spilling his guts as she ducked his move.

It was the first time they had seen each other since — well, it was the first time they had seen each other in person for a week and handful of days. There was not enough time to realize how pointless this fight was between them since they were able to read each other instinctively.

As fast as it began, their fight abruptly halted.

In tune, they both swung nearly back to back, shoulders (her right to his left) pressed to each other at an angle, left hands out and stopping the three — no, _five_ — blaster bolts flying at them. With a twitch of his wrist, the fifth one is refracted off Kylo's lightsaber.

They breathed hard and in-sync. Rey felt the tingles of adrenaline and his nearness, his sheer weight of presence, at her side. Her eyes darted along the edges of the clearing, smoke from the rebel base clouding and hazing the tree line. They were a little farther away from where the real skirmish was waging.

Above their head, a single rebel ship made a run for it, unwinding a small knot in Rey's heart and head because at least _some_ had escaped again even if she didn't. Those left on the Millennium Falcon had found more allies to join them and their numbers increased. There was still hope left.

It took a moment to realize how still Kylo was at her side, even though she knew — as he did — that the shooters (bright and faint beats of life in the haze of the tree line) were gone.

She switched her saber to her left hand and brought her right hand up without moving position to brush the back of her hand to his tense shoulder. At her height, it barely brushed his upper arm.

"What is it?" she asked. She still covered his flank and both knew that behind them was nothing. It was before them that something was amiss.

"You felt it?"

"Yes," she said, eyes scanning again. "They're fainter — "

"They're retreating," he said. She was hyper aware of him breathing just next to her all of a sudden. "I know, but before?"

"What—?"

" _Phasma_."

" _What_?" she said, grip tightening on her saber and a cold wave of adrenaline crashing on her. "She survived? How—?"

"Of course she did," he replied, almost snappish in his preoccupation. "The First Order has a lot more medical technology than—"

The conversation was derailed. At the same time, their heads snapped to look behind them as they felt someone approach. They also had distinctly different reactions.

"Finn," she breathed in relief.

"Traitor," Kylo sneered. Without his mask distorting his voice, she could hear how disgusted he was.

It was a mark of… _something_ that he didn't go to end Finn. She could feel his distraction. Kylo abruptly left her side and started for the hazy tree line, away from Finn and her.

"Wait!" she called. "Kylo?"

"I'll explain later!"

Something was very wrong.

"Something is very wrong," Finn said and her head snapped to him. He'd come to her side at some point while she was staring at Kylo's retreating back. "Why weren't you kicking his ass?"

"It's complicated," she said. "I'll explain later."

Kylo didn't reach out — or the Force didn't connect them, regardless of their opinion on the matter — that night. So Rey filled her time with making sure everyone was accounted for, that they had enough supplies, and that she was making herself generally useful. She felt Leia's eyes on her several times but couldn't bring herself to talk to Kylo Ren's mother.

She wasn't sure she could explain it if she tried. She wasn't sure if she understood it herself.

* * *

 **Let me know what you think! :) I'm also on tumblr by the same name (sharpestsatire) if you want to come bug me.**

 **~SS**


	3. save ben solo

**I decided to combine chapters 3 and 4 because they were both rather short. :P Anyone care to guess who this Force ghost is?**

* * *

They were on the Millennium Falcon again and Chewbacca was taking a nap. Rey was at the helm and all was quiet. They had escaped with not quite as much damage as she would have predicted. Their allies had not answered when they nearly lost it all, but one had reached out since then — _one_ (how her anger burned) — and they had a little more hope, despite having lost another base. It was just Chewbacca and her right now, because someone has to fly the piece of junk. The others had elected to stay on a different ship. Rey couldn't fault them. Most of them had been cooped on it too long.

Rey dozing at the helm was interrupted with a haze of pain. For a moment, she thought her stomach was ripped open. She thought the world was ending in a pain of white so brutal it was not even pain anymore. It was _everything_.

As quickly as it began, it ended. She hadn't even the strength to scream. It retreated to a dull throb on her stomach, a line that ran from her left hip bone to just under her right breast. She could breathe if she did so carefully and she spent a full minute talking herself into breathing normally _because there was no wound there_.

It was because of this disorientation that she did not immediately see Kylo collapsed in the copilot seat next to her. She was only aware because she heard a jagged breath next to her.

She was nearly sent into a true panic when she saw he was hazing in and out of her perception. She had always been able to see him clearly, enough to touch fingertips for Force's sake, but never had she seen him hazy like a dream.

Like he was about to fade away and disappear forever.

These thoughts weren't verbalized in her head, so much as a fleeting impression. What happened immediately was her falling to her knees next to him, hands hovering and afraid to touch, and her saying over and over and over, "Ben! Ben! Ben, _talk to me_!"

Wherever he was, on a chair or bed or wall or crate, wasn't quite the same height as the copilot chair, because he was partly inside the chair, highlighting to her more that he wasn't _there_. Not fully.

She could touch, but her hand sometimes went through him when he flickered.

It was one of the hardest things she'd done to focus and force her panic down.

"Ben," she said. Standing by the chair, she was the same height as him sitting. His eyes were slits and she couldn't tell if he could see her, if he was even cognizant of her presence. "Ben, where are you? What happened?"

This close, in the quiet that followed, she could only hear her heart in her ears. She heard far too easily his breath rattle in his chest as he inhaled. Her horrified gaze took in the nasty looking gash across his chest, from his left hip to just under his right breast.

"Rey," he breathed. With trembling fingers, with what seemed the last bit of his strength, he touched her cheek. A ghost of a touch that had never felt so real and then —

He was gone.

 **†** **†** **†**

They didn't know much about the Force bond and all Rey could think with some hysteria was that almost every time they'd connected she had called him names and yelled at him. It was only towards the end, after he'd agreed with her calling him a monster, that she was thrown off badly enough to take a step back and _look_. But it was still too late.

Since the first time they connected, _he_ had been the one asking questions in confusion, wondering what was happening. And while neither had answers, he at least was trying to figure out what was happening.

Now it was too late. They had no answers. She didn't know how to work this connection.

Something had woken inside of her, she'd told Luke, and half of that something was gone now. Or almost gone. It was weak and faint.

What she now realized was a signature of life… was dying.

Ben was dying.

And with so little known about how to use this bond — for it had always been forced on them, never deliberate — _she_ _couldn't find Ben Solo and he was dying._

She was bent in half and overwhelmed with complete grief. For however far she had come, yet again she couldn't do _anything_. At some point, she surfaced enough to notice a faint blue glow near the pilot seat next to her.

She turned away from the copilot seat where Kylo's form had since vanished, and saw a stranger. He stood just next to the pilot seat, as if waiting for her to take it and him to guide her.

Rey did not know what to say. She didn't know this man. He was not Luke, but was certainly from the Force. She could feel the air hum with his presence. It put her at ease somehow as much as it threw her into some confusion.

"Hello," she said. "Who are you?"

The man smiled. He was handsome, with light brown, wavy hair that reminded her of Ben's waves. He wore voluminous robes, hands hidden in them, and had a faint scar just crossing over his right eye. He had the oldest, saddest eyes she had ever seen, despite the signature of peace she could feel from him now.

"A friend of Ben's," the man replied. "However lost he may be while trying to find me."

Rey's stomach churned and a hand went to her mouth at Ben's name, helplessness rushing back. She wanted to move, to do something, but there was nothing she could do. Ben was _gone_.

"It's too faint," she blurted, heedless of how abrupt it was, sucked inside her fear. Fear of his death, of being alone again— "His… his life force is too faint to track. I tried and I can't—"

The man interrupted. "An old… mentor of mine used to say 'do or do not, there is no try.'"

"Sounds obnoxious," Rey said, without thinking.

The man laughed. "It was. I never did take well to the Jedi training, though." He paused. "I can see why he likes you. Despite the Dark tempting you, you're still Light. I can see it."

"What?"

The man shook his head. "I'm sorry. I never meant to be one of those cryptic Force ghosts. Would you like to find Ben Solo, Rey?"

"Yes," Rey breathed, stilling, almost afraid to move at this new hope presented to her.

When the man gestured towards the console, the hand that emerged from the depths of his robe was a beautiful cybernetic piece. Mechno, if Rey wasn't mistaken.

"The coordinates are there," he said. "The Millennium Falcon is, as my son and you have said, a piece of junk. But I know it will get you there in time."

Rey stared. "Who _are_ you?"

"I'm going to have to be a cryptic ghost on this one and not answer," he said. "What are you waiting for? Go save Ben Solo."

He vanished.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think or come bug me on tumblr. (Same name as here: sharpestsatire.)**

 **~SS**


	4. different perspective

**I have two posts from tumblr that helped shape this chapter, only fanfictiondotnet eats all links. So. Check out either my tumblr (sharpestsatire) or hit up this story on AO3 for the links. Anyway!**

 **Just fyi, this story is six chapters long and isn't a full length novel. So it kinda hits the high notes and then finishes. :)**

* * *

Finn was less than understanding about her saying she had to go "do something." Not that he was angry, per se, but he was confused. He eventually let her go out of trust. (Ironic, as the truth would be rather explosive.)

Leia gave her a considering look, but did not brook an argument.

Chewbacca and her left the rebellion and jump to lightspeed. The goodbyes took less than ten minutes. It would have been longer had Rey not already been on the Millennium Falcon and the others on a different rebel ship. Small mercies.

With their friends light years away, Rey was soon intently focused on making sure the Millennium Falcon is completely on course before she busied herself with making sure all medical supplies — _all_ of it, no matter how small — was in one place.

Chewbacca was a pillar of calm. It was only his presence that kept her grimly focused and not a twitching ball of stress.

 **†** **†** **†**

Ben Solo was adrift when they find him. Perhaps there was a hidden First Order base nearby or perhaps they had simply left him adrift far from civilization so there'd be no chance of anyone finding him. Either way, he was in a nameless patch of the galaxy, in a ship big enough that it could not be flown easily without a small crew.

He was alone.

There was no one there to open to loading bay gate, but it opened anyway. Had Rey cared, she would have seen the same man from earlier, the one with a faint scar across his eye and mechno arm, nod in satisfaction before vanishing from the loading bay's control panel.

In fact, she didn't notice much. Every sense was honed in on the faint, but still there, thread of Ben.

Force alive, she was not going to let him go without a fight.

The next few hours were a blur. Ben was… not good. The medical supplies had dwindled scarily fast. They didn't have a bacta tank and they could've used it. She felt like every weak intake he took was one that she too could take, that otherwise she couldn't quite breathe. Time blurred. Hours were spent over him until she literally passed out. The last thing she remembered was her stitching his shoulder while Chewbacca prepared bandages next to her.

When she woke up, the Millennium Falcon was humming around her and nothing felt different.

Nothing but the part connected to Ben. The part that could survive without him, but would live in lonely misery. The part now stable.

He was awake when she arrived at the room Chewbacca had put him in after she passed out. She heard Chewbacca before even entering the room though.

Ben was snarling a brief word or two in Shyriiwook as she walked in, before breaking off into a coughing fit at the attempt. This gave Chewbacca a chance to say something long and emphatic—even to the human ear it sounded emphatic, and _all_ of Shyriiwook sounded emphatic to the human ear—and too fast for her to understand. It ended in Chewbacca smacking Ben none too lightly on the back of the head.

Ben grimaced. He was unable to hide it, a hand going to his abdomen as the movement had him aggravating his wound.

Chewbacca said something again, volume lower this time, and Rey couldn't hear him from where she stood. Ben flushed.

"I know," was all Ben said roughly. He coughed again before he said, "I know, Chewie. You're right."

"Ben," she said. It's all she could say really.

Chewbacca growled something about Skywalkers as he stood up, swinging his bowcaster over his shoulder. He paused on the way out, resting a heavy hand on her shoulder. She smiled at him gratefully before he left.

"You're alive," Rey said, turning and soaking Ben in. His left arm was the only part with skin showing. His torso was covered by a blanket and the rest of his chest and right arm were liberally wrapped in bandages. She was surprised they had enough.

But he was breathing. Even as the thought, obvious but somehow the most important thing to her, crossed her mind, she realized her breathing was synced up to his automatically.

"I am, yes," Ben said. "Despite their best efforts."

He was staring at her, as if he could not believe she was there. If her gaze had soaked him in, his was devouring her and… she wasn't sure she minded. She had never felt so alive until just then.

"You're alive," she repeated. "What happened?"

He said nothing, but he sighed deeply, wincing. Rey drifted closer to his side, eyeing the bandages. They hadn't bleed through, which was a good thing. Outside of the obvious reason it was a good thing, they didn't have much left with which to replace them.

Compulsively, Rey reached out and lay the tips of her fingers just on the inside of his left wrist. She felt his gaze burning into her, but sat beside him without looking him in the eye. She can feel his pulse beneath her fingers, strong and sure and… faster now. She snatched her gaze and hand away from his wrist and looks quickly at the door, feeling Ben shift next to her.

"Well?" she said, more harshly than she intended, face burning and pulse loud in her ears.

"Hux happened," Ben said flatly. "Without the Supreme Leader—"

"Snoke," Rey said, flaring. "Call him Snoke. He's supreme _nothing_."

Ben was quiet and when she finally could bring her gaze to him, his face was bowed and sightlessly staring at where her hand rested next to his. She could feel how far away he was.

"You're right," he said, his voice low and touching places inside she didn't know she had. "He was nothing."

Rey swallowed, realizing how big this was, but unable to articulate why to herself. But she knew how big it was for him. With one movement from both of them in tune, they laced their fingers together.

"What happened?" Rey repeated gently.

When their eyes met, that _thing_ that connected them flared brightly and Ben was able to tell her.

Hux had not taken to the new leadership well. The outcome on Crait had left Kylo Ren in even lower regard. Hux had very deliberately bided his time. Snoke's death had left things in disarray. But when the dust — or salt of Crait, as the case may be — settled, he decided Kylo Ren was not quite the person they wanted in charge and had taken measures to ensure he'd disappear. The First Order needed clear leadership and, well, who was Hux to deny them that?

 _It was easy_ , Ben said. And maybe it was Rey's presence, or maybe it was a new knowledge of self that he had, but he didn't have a problem saying:

"I had said that you destroyed Snoke and that you had defeated the Praetorian Guards and me. The lie took. They have a new and careful respect of you, Rey, that I hope has kept you safer in some situations."

"Thank you?" Rey said, uncertain if the fear of her enemies was what she wanted.

Ben shook his head, dragging his gaze away from her. She felt like she could both breathe easier and less when he looked at her.

"The fact I was defeated didn't help." He swallowed and didn't look at her as he said the next part: "It helped that I had appeared to kill Luke for a while. But there was no body, not even ash, and Hux was able to spread that it was all lights and shadows that the rebel base had used— nothing but a fancy holo. That's why all the weapons didn't work on destroying him. The fact I hadn't 'realized' that and gave a, ah, vigorous order to destroy a trick when I should've known better lost me credibility and—"

"Those shots," Rey said.

Ben nodded, the back of his thumb unconsciously seeming to rub the back of her hand, their fingers still laced together. It soothed her, but it also wound her until she could focus on his words and touch only.

"Yes," Ben said easily. "From a few weeks ago. They were supposed to be a parting and final gift from Phasma. I shouldn't have underestimated Hux's rabid belief in the First Order above anything else."

"Oh," said Rey, anger licking her. She felt no surprise, just a brief unexpected anger that Ben Solo was yet again betrayed. Though she expected nothing less from the First Order.

Ben's lips twisted. "Yes. 'Oh.'"

Rey wasn't sure what to say, but eventually landed on— "I'm sorry."

 _I'm sorry you were betrayed again._

Ben's grin was brief and startling and so lovely Rey was breathless. She had never seen something so carefree but then it was gone, instinct to protect and reveal nothing if possible drilled into him. She knew this naturally, could feel it in the essence of his person. To show anything was to show weakness.

"You actually are on some level," he said, a note of wonder in his voice.

Rey could not continue that thread of conversation. Not with the earnest wonder in his voice.

"So," she said. "Where does—?" She was unsure how to phrase it, unsure of the feeling budding in her chest. "What does that—? What does that _mean_?"

"To be Supreme Leader," Ben said slowly and so, so carefully. "You have to be a leader of _something_. I wasn't able to lead or end the— _Snoke_. I wasn't able to end _Snoke_ on my own, not without you. I don't think the First Order is going to be a good fit for me either."

She could feel it. Something heavy in the air, his touch the only thing grounding her. But she could feel it, something unsaid and poignant with meaning she wasn't sure she wanted to know or was ready to know, but—

"What is for you then?" she asked.

Their eyes met.

Ben didn't push this time. Perhaps he was afraid to be turned down after last time in the throne room. Perhaps he simply was calm enough now to read across the bond what she couldn't say.

So instead he said dryly, "Well, it wasn't very _kind_ of the First Order to try and kill me. So I was thinking I might give a different perspective a try, maybe bring down a regime or two with you."

Rey began to smile.

* * *

 **Look at all the reyloooooooo! Let me know what you think. :D**

 **~SS**


	5. from the ashes

**Thanks for all the follows and favs! :D**

 **As usual, fanfiction dot net eats links. So, hit me up on AO3 or tumblr for the one link that helped this chapter. I'm on both tumblr and AO3 by the same name as here. :)**

* * *

It wasn't that simple, of course.

Their first "mission"— a cry for help from Resistance allies that the Millennium Falcon happened to pick up one their way back to the general area of the Resistance — ends in tears.

They worked well together, in tune with a glance or a touch of the hand, but Rey assumed they'd stay longer and Ben assumed they'd leave immediately with their work done.

It was such a small, silly thing. If Rey had merely said, "Oh, we'll stay a little longer to make sure everything is all right and take any messages or items back to the Resistance Fleet if needed," it would've ended differently. And Ben shouldn't have done it, but he had still assumed what they would do and that his plan would be carried out without a word from her.

They were both too in tune with each other for their emotions to _not_ feed off each other. One conversation after he'd been betrayed by the First Order couldn't solve it all. They still had to unlearn Kylo Ren, still had to discover what the Light meant, what _Balance_ meant, and Rey still had to listen and see from the other side.

They stood in the middle of a small field, rebel allies having long since edged away from their argument (random objects kept levitating), with a few small fires started by blasters and explosions burning nearby and filling the air with acrid smoke.

There was one crucial competent that made it reach that point and metaphorically blow up. And Rey found it crouched between a bent rebel ship wing and a tree — its wood oddly spongy and alien — leaning against it to make a small hollow. The child was pale, eyes wide and nearly unblinking. If Rey hadn't sensed the life form while passing she wouldn't have noticed him.

The boy did nothing more than lean back slightly when Rey crouched down to peer into the almost unnoticeable depression, careful not to touch the flaming hot broken wing that made part of the hollow.

"Hello," she said. "It's safe it come out now."

She knew that look all too well and her heart ached. On Jakku, she wouldn't have come out for all the world.

Rey closed her eyes and _reached_. When it mattered, and it mattered so much to her right then, she felt a peace and connection with the Force she didn't always.

The child edged forward, knowing that Rey wouldn't hurt him, feeling the peace and sympathy rolling off her.

Rey straightened, holding the clinging child close.

"Rey, it's time to go."

When she turned, Kylo _paused_. It was an odd moment, where she could see him physically pause and on some core level superimposed over it she could see his essence — like something shook him to the core — pause as well.

Confused, Rey looked around, though she knew it wasn't anything nearby.

"It's nothing," Kylo said.

"Then why are you—?" Rey asked.

He was still staring, paler than normal, something raw fighting to show and something equally panicked fighting to hide it.

There was no segue-way into the topic.

"I'm the cause of this," Kylo said.

Just behind Kylo, she saw a woman sprinting towards them, tears streaming down her face. The little boy started crying in her arms, struggling and nearly kicking her in the gut. Rey wordlessly, with relief, handed the boy to his mother, soaking up the mother's expression as she did so. The relief and love.

The mother had come back to this ravaged battlefield just for her child.

 _You are nothing… but not to me._

Rey blinked rapidly and turned to Kylo. It took a moment to orient, then—

"No, you're not," Rey said, brows furrowed.

"Look around," Kylo said.

Rey narrowed her eyes at him. "You—"

"This war has gone on a long time, mostly because of my serving Snoke and trying to accomplish his work," Kylo said. "I've— did— did you see the child's face?"

"Wait—" Rey said, seeing something crack in his expression and approaching him. "Kylo, wait—"

He stumbled a step or two back as she did, that _something_ clawing behind his eyes again.

"Kylo!" she snapped. "Ben!"

"Stop it!" he yelled. "Don't you see? There are countless children like that one! Force, maybe this is why Snoke usually had me leave soon after a battle— I— I can't— I've done—"

"Ben," she said, realizing how deeply this ran too late. "Ben, listen to me—"

"I'm a monster!" Ben screamed, the emotion hitting her in the gut. "I killed my own father! Don't make me something I am not!"

Everything around them was leveled for a few feet. The fires nearest to them extinguished. Birds— or some creature equivalent on this planet — a mile away exploded from the trees with squawks of terror. Debris from the battle flew through the air. _Everything_ around him was was pushed away.

Everything but Rey.

Despite this display of power, Rey finally understood on some visceral level what Kylo meant. She hadn't flinched when he exploded, sensing it coming. In fact…

Rey walked to Kylo Ren, feet and heart heavy. She stood over him, where he had fallen to his knees. Head bowed, he'd covered his face with his gloved hands, shoulders shaking. But not a sound was made.

That last bit made Rey's eyes fill. With gentle fingers, she reached out and combed her hand through his thick hair. He leaned into her touch, forehead resting on her stomach, fingers leaving his face at the last moment to dig into her hips.

After a moment, Rey slid down to the ground as well. Kylo Ren could tower over her easily even while both knelt, but his grief and anguish had bent him and curled him inward to such a degree he was almost a ball on the ground, his head buried in her lap.

It took a moment for her to understand his moaned words.

"He never understood me."

Rey's fingers stilled in his hair and she almost couldn't breathe.

"My… father didn't want me to be a Jedi. Mother pushed for it. Father was less than thrilled, worried by everything he'd seen up until then, I guess. My head was filled with visions of life as a Jedi, of being the padawan to _the_ Luke Skywalker."

Rey let out her breath.

"Ben…"

"He wanted what was best for his son. He was afraid there were too many strings attached to a gift from the Force for it to be worth it." His bitter laugh shook her body. "He was right. I didn't realize how wrong I was until too late."

Rey swallowed.

"The Force lead me to you," she said eventually.

"Some good I am. I've done so many—"

"I know," Rey interrupted.

"You don't know the half of it," Kylo snapped, grip tightening on her hips until she winced. He snarled into her lap, words tripping over each other as they rushed out: "You don't know the half of it, Rey. This connection doesn't show everything. I tried to kill Luke Skywalker. I killed my own father and I'll probably end up killing you. I hated my father because he didn't understand me, because he didn't want me to pursue Force training. What kind of pathetic reason is that? The Supreme Leader was the answer then and I killed even him. I kill everything I touch. I—"

"Stop it," Rey snapped, tugging sharply at his hair. He flinched but stilled. "Stop it right now. Kylo Ren, you've done terrible, monstrous things."

He seemed frozen on her lap and she was glad she couldn't see his face.

"You've done awful things," she continued, building speed. "I _saw you kill_ Han Solo. I don't know what you've done before I met you and I'm not sure I want all the details. And you, um—" Abruptly lost steam, strove for a weak joke. "—you haven't been the best person to me personally either."

The snorted laugh Kylo made was wet sounding. Rey wrinkled her nose. She opened her mouth, but Ben started speaking before she could.

"Even with Supr— _Snoke_ in my head, pushing me to do those things, twisting it to make it sound reasonable—"

Rey narrowed her eyes down at Ben's head.

"—that doesn't justify it. You're right. _I_ still did it. _I_ did. I was wrong." The pain in his voice twisted her heart. Her heart twisted further still when the pain left and he said, the simplicity of fact, "I was wrong."

She could hear it in her head and heart from him, almost as clear as if he'd said the words aloud at the end: "I'm a monster."

 _It is_ , Rey thought, _a good thing that Snoke is already dead._

"Ben Solo," Rey said. "You've done some terrible things, that's true, but that's the difference between the Light and Dark side. _Mercy_."

The crackling of the fire nearest them could be heard in the silence that followed. She let the words form slowly in her head and heart until she could verbalize them. What she said now, she knew in her soul, would reverberate through the rest of their lives.

"We're not perfect," Rey said slowly. "And you've done some terrible things, to put it lightly. But I just— …there's a difference between being a terrible person and just shrugging and saying 'oh, well, I'll never change' and give yourself over. You fell for a while, yes, but you're learning. Ben, where you may see devastation here— well, if you looked up from my lap — I also see freedom and hope for a new day _because we won_. From the ashes, so many things can be born. If you never look beyond what you've _done_ , you'll never see the steps you've made and how you can continue to grow the Light in you. The Light lets you see where you're going, how you can grow. It does not abandon you to ruin and wandering in the Dark. You don't deserve any of it, but that's what makes the Light more precious still. Mercy."

Rey swallowed. She leaned forward until her head was resting on his back lightly, lips brushing his upper back. He turned his head to the side on her lap, sighing deeply. She shut her eyes.

"I believe people can change," she whispered, "but only if there's Light placed there first to guide them. And I've seen the Light in you, Ben. You don't have to kill the past. The past shapes you. Learn from the past and follow the Light home."

With their eyes shut, Rey and Ben allowed themselves just to _be_.

There was no one around to see. But if Rey and Ben had opened their eyes and looked beyond their tired grief for a moment, they would've seen four ghostly figures standing by them. Each one — a small, green one; one with a mechno arm and thin scar across his right eye; another Ben's namesake; another Ben's uncle — had a hand on both Ben and Rey, their heads bowed over them, hoping for final balance.

* * *

 **One more chapter to go! Thanks for reading!**

 **~SS**


	6. beginnings

**hello, hello. this is it. the last chapter. enjoy!**

* * *

Rey loved her friends and passionately believed in the Resistance. There was never any question about that. But she couldn't tell them what was going on. Leia deliberately didn't ask what missions Rey took herself on and turned a blind eye to how all the missions were "solo." It took a little longer for Finn, his new friend Rose, and Rey's newest friend Poe to catch on that she wasn't exactly _refusing_ to join them on any base or ship. She was just avoiding and side-stepping. There was always another difficult mission she volunteered to go on, or another mission to disappear on for a month at a time.

And she always, always left on the Millennium Falcon. It was BB-8 who noticed she didn't _refuse_ people entry if she landed in a docking bay or on planet, per se. She just didn't let anyone too near or let people actively help her with repairs. And if someone came onboard, she was always casually _right there_.

In fact, it took a month of whispered rumors and shaky holofeeds for the Resistance to put two and two together.

It takes, specifically, a clear enough recording of Ben and her back to back and fighting off Phasma and other guards, of him sweeping his saber in a low arc around them while she jumps off his back to mortally wound Phasma — because her armor was never any match for a Jedi lightsaber — and then him in the same motion backing up and still covering her without pause, blocking two simultaneous blaster shots, that has everyone in the Resistance take up arms.

"What the kriff, Rey!" Finn yelled.

It was by far one of the calmer reactions she'd gotten in the past few minutes. Because of course, while reviewing a mission, the holofeed in question had to be unwittingly played by Leia.

"Rey?" Poe asked, pure horror in his voice and face. The rest of his words, slowly increasing in volume, were drowned out by the other racket.

Rey sat quietly in the midst of the battle conference. Just next to her now, because everyone had leapt to their feet or away from her, Ben had materialized next to her. He didn't touch her, but sat close enough that she could almost feel him. He remained quiet like her, his head bowed, elbows on his knees, and hands clasped between them.

Leia stared across the room, straight at her son. Her jaw was tight, her expression unreadable.

Ben didn't move or raise his head. So it was Rey who reached out and untangled his hands from his death grip, uncaring that it looked like she held hands with air to the not so Force sensitive. She took one of his hands and clasped it tight in her own lap.

She looked at him.

 _It will be alright._

Ben shook his head minutely and Rey looked back to the room.

BB-8 was rolling in panicked circles, beeping shrilly about Kylo Ren and issuing dire threats. Rose was talking emphatically with Finn. In agreement with him, but trying to calm him down. Poe was splitting his attention between trying to talk _at_ Leia, who was ignoring him for another general, and calming down (or tripping over) BB-8.

There were demands for Kylo Ren's head, for a trial, for him to turn himself over, for him to die (painfully), for _Rey_ to die, for him to be wielded as a weapon on their side more bluntly than this cloak and dagger ordeal, for many, many things, but ultimately…

Ultimately, General Leia Organa decided for them all.

"Silence!" she cried.

And silent they fell in the face of her gravitas. Standing before them all, they were reminded that before she was a general, she was royalty. It wasn't a title that she had merely been born to, but one that she would have earned later regardless. Because she had the gravity and dignity that demanded they listen to her, even had she been born a pauper.

Leia Organa was tired. You could see it on her face. Rey's grip tightened on Ben's hand. She wished (the one about to die, the forgiving) Luke were here, wished Han were still alive, wished Leia wasn't quite so alone standing before them all.

Leia looked straight at Ben when he raised his head. For a moment, no one moved. It was only when Poe shuffled that their gaze broke and Leia addressed them.

"My son has done monstrous things," she said slowly. "I am not in a position to speak clearly on what his judgement should be. But we are at war and he is not against us, but for us. You have the permission of the Resistance High Command to shoot him _only if you see him betray the Rebel Alliance_. Any other action taken against him will be seen as treasonous and you will be held to account."

She looked at Ben after she finished, gaze so piercing that Rey was grateful she wasn't under the weight of it. After a moment, she gave a minuscule nod and looked at the rest of the room.

"Dismissed," she said.

It didn't solve anything long term, but put a stopper at least on both of them having to flee the First Order _and_ the Resistance.

Finn didn't speak to her for a month until he saw, in person, Ben and Rey work in tune with each other and Ben take a blaster shot for her without question.

Because it was, as always, not that simple.

There would not be a clear ending. There never was in war.

But Ben and Rey chipped away at the corruption together—with the Resistance fully behind them, if somewhat grudgingly by some—and they freed those in bondage. They dispensed justice and held each other accountable. They _learned_ what it meant to be flawed and human but of the Light.

It was not an ending, because war limped on far longer than any political pundit would admit. And it would be years before Rey and Ben would actually rest. It would be more still before either of them didn't wake up in a cold sweat, nightmares twisting their peace and hope into something horrifying.

But time passed. And as it did, Rey and Ben grew stronger and hope spread farther.

It was a beginning.

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 **i think ben and leia have a lot to work through. it's possible, but him just switching sides wouldn't immediately solve everything.**

 **i dunno what future fanfic plans will be, but i hope you liked this! :)**

 **~SS**


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